Happiness is not always an option.

I was blessed being born to a loving family. Never mind that our family has many flaws, I am still very grateful to having belonged to one. But as I grew older, I have realized that this is also the main reason for my intolerable sufferings.

It has been years since I last saw my family. One might think that by this I ought to have passed the longing but the sad truth is I have not. I have left home to continue my studies. I have left home in the hopes of bringing pride once I got back. But to my dismay, until now, I have not yet finished school and really do not have any idea when.

I have stopped. I have stopped for so many reasons. But I think I ought to tell you the main reason, and it is because of the lack of resources to continue my schooling. After Father died because of a incurable disease,  Mother had such a hard time finding ways on how to raise her three children. I, as the eldest, have taken initiative to share this responsibility. It was not easy, I must admit. And being far away from home, sometimes, made me forget this responsibility.  Bu in the end, I was able to attend to my duties, and take it more seriously.

Now, I am working and living independently . I no longer asked any help from Mother — financial, that is and sometimes, I would even be the one to send them money. It feels good to be of help. It makes me feel really mature and useful.  But this also means not being able to be with them — my family, and that is where the problem starts.

In the first three years of being away I have managed to take care of myself. I have managed to go on and not be totally lonely knowing that I can always contact them and hear their voices. But as time goes, hearing their voices is no longer enough.

Today, whenever I would find myself alone. I will usually get into the mood of reminiscing all the happy moments spent with them and how I missed those times. And more often than not I would end up crying and saying to myself that I would do anything just to be able to experience it again. But the truth of the matter is, I know that I really cannot do anything about it.

I have no choice.

As much as I wanted to get plane tickets and travel back home, I could not do that. I have to stay — here. Because if I really wanted to help my family, I would rather stay and just let my soul die out of loneliness than to see them starve and be in great debts. 

It’s sad to know that a lot of people would equate love to pain when a matter of fact, pain is just the result of the absence of love.

Nowadays, you can see a lot of people who are afraid to fall in love. When asked why they would usually say that it’s because they are afraid to get hurt. Just from that statement one can sense the fear for something that is in no way related to love, pain.

You see, I am not an expert about this kind of things, however, what I do know is that love is not pain. Pain is what you will feel if love is not reciprocated. Pain is present if there is the absence of love. I think it is time to straighten things up a bit.

People, we should not be afraid of falling in love, for love is the very reason why we are here in this world. The love of God and the love of our parents, our significant others, is the reason why we are still breathing, why we are still alive.

Okay. This entry will just serve as an extension of the tension and frustration I am feeling at the moment. What exactly happened? Well to be totally honest, I had this chance to be with him but then, again, I hesitated just because of what other people might think if ever I let myself join their little adventure. And now, because of that, well I am being tortured with the fact that I just blew my chance away! 

I, literally, wanna slam my head against the wall. And I have been hunted by what ifs since this morning. Grr! Regrets. Just so you know, what I’m doing now to feel a little better is to try to convince myself that what I did is right. That I have nothing to feel sorry about. And that there will always be a next time. And when that time comes I’ll be ready! 

I really hope that there will be a next time, though. There has to be!!! 

I hesitated.

I waited for the right moment to come
Not realizing that together we could have made it right,
we could have made it perfect.

Now, all I can do is wonder
and wish for a second chance.
However, not all people are given that privilege,
and it appears that I am one of those unfortunate people.